Mark Twain

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.

There are lies, damned lies and statistics.

There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.

There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one: keep from telling their happinesses to the unhappy.

There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.

There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.

There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.

Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does all the work.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.

To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.

To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal.

To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.

Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.

Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.

We Americans... bear the ark of liberties of the world.

We are all alike, on the inside.

We have the best government that money can buy.

What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.

What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.

When in doubt tell the truth.

When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.

When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.

Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.

Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.

Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.